Being a mom is hard. I mean, like really hard. Some days are easier than others of course, but others, are just plain hard. The last couple weeks have been really difficult and I’m absolutely drained. People talk about the 4 month sleep regression. In our household, it has been the 9 month and the 30 month sleep regression. My husband and I have been very fortunate that our kids like to sleep. For the last few months, we have been able to have all the kids in bed by 9:00 and that has given my husband and I time to spend together. Which usually involves Taco Bell and episodes of Grey’s Anatomy, as we are re-watching the series (we’re almost done with season 8! Team McDreamy ha). But it’s been our time and it’s been nice to reconnect and just be together. And our kids, they slept through the night! It felt like we finally had gotten over the difficult hill of sleepless nights. And then a couple weeks ago happened…..
Boogie all of a sudden refuses to go to bed. She will sit in her bed, yell and cry for either my husband or me to come snuggle with her. We’ve tried to avoid it, because we don’t want her to get used to only going to bed if one of us is there, but a couple nights ago, I caved out of pure exhaustion. She also wakes up multiple times a night and some nights, we find her asleep in the middle of the living room. We honestly can’t figure out what has changed. And then Mr. Nugget man has decided that he needs to eat 8 oz bottles every 3 hours and then stirs and makes noises all night long.
So legit, my husband and I are getting so much broken sleep that we’d be lucky if it totals 2 hours for each of us. Which isn’t good. We tend to snap at each other over dumb stuff and I am just a big, crabby baby in general when I am running on no sleep. We still are both working full time and trying to keep up with our house, but at the end of the day, I just don’t want to do anything. Where we used to look forward to the kid’s bed time, I now dread it. It has become the worst time of the day for me, because I know it is just a battle that I don’t want to keep fighting. I want it to go back to how it was!
So last night, after just having fallen asleep not even 15 minutes earlier, Nugget woke up to eat…again. I know he is going through a growth spurt and cutting teeth. I wish I could make it go away and better for him, but I can’t. I feel helpless. But it also doesn’t take away from my pure exhaustion. So while his bottle warmed in the warmer, I rocked him in my arms in the kitchen and just cried.
I cried because I don’t always like being a mom. I cried because I want to be selfish and just have some peace and quiet to myself and then I cried because I felt bad for wanting peace and quiet. I love my children beyond anything I can describe with words, and if you are a parent, you understand. But I believe that it is completely okay to allow yourself those moments where you can honestly say to yourself, that you don’t enjoy being a parent. No one tells you that when you’re pregnant or when you have a brand new baby. Everyone says how wonderful it is, how happy you’ll be and how you can’t imagine life without them. But you know what? They should also tell you how much it just downright sucks sometimes. How no matter how good of a job you think you are doing, a couple bad moments will make you feel like the worst parent in the world. They should tell you what it’ll feel like if you are running on no sleep and that you will, at times, want to throat punch your significant other no matter how much you love them. Of course, there are those “sanctimommies” out there who would want to burn me at the stake for thinking such thoughts, let alone saying them out loud. “How could you say and think such things?!” And then I would just tell them to pound sand.
No matter where you are in your motherhood journey, whether you are pregnant, a brand new mommy or like me, you have built a small army of tiny little people who drive you crazy, just know that it is OKAY to have those moments where you don’t enjoy being a mom. It’s OKAY to stand in your kitchen in the middle of the night and cry. It is OKAY to have those moments because having those moments doesn’t make you a bad mom, it purely makes you human. You may feel like a bad mom. Actually, I can 99.999% guarantee you will feel like a bad mom for thinking it, but you are not! So repeat after me: I AM NOT A BAD MOM!
Although it’s hard to see it in the thick of it, it will pass. I know that in our home, we are in a season of no sleep. While it sucks, I know that it won’t last forever. (At least I have hope that it won’t!) Obviously, I would love if last night was the last night but realistically, I don’t know when it will end. So I keep pushing through it because I know it will get better. It has to get better! 😉
“We have small troubles for a while now, but they are helping us gain an eternal glory. That glory is much greater than the troubles. So we set our eyes not on what we see but on what we cannot see. What we see will last only a short time. But what we cannot see will last forever.”
2 Corinthians 4:17-18 ICB