I am currently on day “I don’t know anymore” of our family’s self-quarantine. Schools officially closed for us on Friday March 13th and so did my husband’s work. In the almost 3 weeks we have been secluded to our home, I have only left our home 2 or 3 times to run to the store to pick up more milk, eggs, or a prescription that I couldn’t fill before our state shut down. We are currently in a pandemic unlike anything I have ever seen or my parents have ever seen. It feels scary, heavy, and unreal. Going to the store has an apocalyptic feel to it with people wearing gloves, masks, and shelves bare to the bone. It feels like a horrible dream that I am forever trying to wake up from.
It is no secret that I suffer from anxiety and panic disorder. It doesn’t take a whole lot to send me into a tailspin. As much as I have learned a multitude of coping techniques and tools in my “tool box”, if I don’t catch myself early enough, no amount of coping skills is going to help me. I have to work through my panic attack and bring myself back to my safe place calm place. I have to constantly remind myself that I am safe in my home.
If someone would have told me that I would be secluded to my home and couldn’t leave or be around people, I would have been like sign me up! As an introvert, I do best when I am home, away from strangers and the unknown. A lot of this is attributed to my PTSD, but I am a quiet person who enjoys the confinement of my home. Fast-forward 3 weeks and I am climbing the walls. I never would have thought in a million years that I would miss people. I miss my friends, my family, and my honorary niece. I miss wandering the aisles of Hobby Lobby or Target without a care in the world. I miss impromptu date nights with my husband. I miss taking my kids to the park and letting them play. I miss the normalcy of what life was and how I took for granted even the littlest of things.
I live in a lot of fear that my husband, kids, and loved ones will get sick. We haven’t taken this lightly and therefore, have quarantined us from the people we love. It hurts and it’s hard but we are doing what we can to help. Every night, my daughter prays for the virus to end and for the health safety of our friends and family. I pray for those who are fighting COVID-19, I pray for our healthcare workers, and other essential workers. I pray that other people take this seriously and just stay home.
As scary as this all is, I choose to put my faith into God because He knows when and how this ends. I know that for many people, believing in God is not a thing or is challenging. How can a God of love allow bad things to happen like disease and death? It all goes back to, that we live in a broken world and bad things are going to happen. It’s hard, it’s ugly, and it hurts. But through it all, we can rest assure that God is in control. I know that it can be challenging to believe that or understand it. Believe me, I am a skeptic by nature and I struggle to continue to put my faith in Him. But I know deep down, in my bones that God is there. So I continue to lean into Him and not my own understanding and trust that we will come through this.
“Trust the Lord with all your heart. Don’t depend on your own understanding. Remember the Lord in everything you do. And he will give you success.” Proverbs 3:5-6 (ICB)