I have to be honest. I am struggling. And I have been for months. Like many of you out there, COVID has affected me in more ways than I expected. An introvert at heart, I have found myself longing to be around friends and family. I have missed human connection and interaction.
COVID has also affected me in the way that I couldn’t work as I own my own business as a postpartum doula and when our state was in shutdown, I was unable to go into client’s homes and help. My husband’s work shut down as well in mid-March and we suddenly found ourselves at home, with all of our kids, with no idea what the future was going to look like.
The combination of everything around us spiraled me into a pretty deep depression. I was sleeping 14-16 hours a day and I couldn’t connect with my husband or my kids. I became a zombie and I hated everything. If you follow my YouTube channel, I talked a little bit about my depression and how it affected me. I know I am not the only one who has struggled over these last few months and I know that I am not an exception. Many people have felt depression and anxiety on a level that they haven’t experienced before. Many people have faced hardships and crises like never before. COVID has shown us something that we have never seen before, and for me, it has scared me beyond belief.
I am scared not only for me and my husband, but my kids. Especially my daughter. She has experienced fear and anxiety and it breaks my heart. She is afraid none of her friends will remember her or that she will never get to go to school again. Trying to remain calm and reassure her when I am scared shitless is really, really hard. But as her mom, I am doing my best to be a safe, calm place for her. But what do I do when I feel like I don’t have a safe or calm place for myself?
My relationship with God is a tricky one and not because of Him. Because of me. I am stubborn and I don’t trust easily. It is hard for me to trust in relationships with people I know and see, let alone trusting in someone that I can’t physically see. Which honestly, is kind of ridiculous because I have seen and felt God’s presence in my life over the years and I know He is there. I know He provides. So why do I have such a hard time continuing to rely on Him? I imagine Him asking me, “What more can I do to show you that I am there for you and I love you?” And I’m just like, I don’t know God.
During a horribly low point a couple months ago, I cried out to God in the middle of the night, asking, begging Him for a miracle. And the next morning, I received that miracle. It was a life savor and I knew it was from Him. So why is it, a couple months later, I am in the same boat with wondering where God is? Why do I feel so far away from Him, even though I know He is right there? Why do I have such a hard time trusting in Him? He has continued to show his provisions for me and my family time and time again, yet I sit here feeling so alone and wondering if He forgot about us.
Not too long ago, I was laying in bed and feeling completely lost. My anxiety was on another level and nothing I could do would help me fall asleep. I felt like my anxiety was swallowing me whole. And in an instant, I heard the words of the song, Yes and Amen.
Now I am not a complete worship music person. There are days where I love it and days where I am not a fan. I am not really sure why but I feel like a lot has to do with the fact that I can’t sing. Like I am totally tone deaf. So I picture God covering His ears when I sing worship music because my voice is painful to listen to. (Although I know this is totally false)
So the song Yes and Amen talks about how faithful God is and how all of His promises are yes and amen. It talks about how we can rest in His promises and have confidence in his faithfulness to us. It’s a beautiful reminder that no matter what we are facing, it isn’t a surprise to God. He already knows what we are facing and what is going to come after that. For me, that is really hard to grasp because I am a type-A control freak. I can’t fly by the seat of my pants. I need to know what is going to happen and how I need to prepare or what the next step is that I need to take. So giving up that control and putting my faith into God is really, really hard for me.
And I am not sure completely why. Because God has shown me and my husband over and over that He has us. He provides for us in crazy ways, yet I still sit here and stress over what is going to come next. I struggle so much with just letting go and letting God handle it. I struggle with trust. And I tribute that to me just being human. God knows how I am because He made me. Nothing I go through is a surprise to Him. Yet, He still loves me no matter how anxious or crazy I feel.
Letting go and trusting in God’s process is hard. I don’t know what the future holds. Heck, I don’t even know what tomorrow or this afternoon looks like. But I believe that I have to start being more constant with my relationship with God. I can’t just go to Him when I am at my lowest point. I need to go to Him in my highest point too. Thank Him for His continued blessings, even if it’s as simple as having a beautiful day with my kids.
A relationship with God is just like any other relationship. You have to be present and play your part in it. It can’t be a one sided relationship. I can’t just rely on God to get us out of hard times and ignore Him when He provides good times for us. I need to learn to trust in Him completely and fully.
No matter what life is throwing at you currently, we can rest assure in His promises and faithfulness. Even if it’s not making any sense to you or you feel like you are barely holding on, hold onto Him. Learn to trust Him and His process. It isn’t easy and it is something I struggle with still, but I am reminding myself that all of His promises are Yes and Amen. All of His promises for you are Yes and Amen. Don’t give up hope. Rest assure in Him and know that He will see you through whatever it is that you are going through. And if you feel like you’re at the end of your rope, listen to ‘Yes and Amen’. Because we’re human and sometimes we need that reminder that we are not alone and that our God is bigger than what we are facing right now. He won’t leave us or forsake us. And we can rest in that.
“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22-23 ESV