January 18, 2016
“What do you have to be depressed about?”
That seriously, in my opinion, is one of the worst questions you can ask someone struggling with depression. Especially when you know that person is struggling. I have been asked that question many times, even by some of those really close to me. My initial want reaction/answer to that question is to punch them in the face, but since punching people is frowned upon, I choose to ignore the question. One thing I have learned during this journey is that I don’t owe anyone an explanation. Some days, I don’t even know why I feel the way I feel. So to try to explain to someone my feelings when I don’t even understand them, is a pain in the butt!
Looking from the outside, I have a pretty great life. I married my best friend and the love of my life and we have a pretty awesome relationship and marriage. We have 2 beautiful kids, our son who I will dub Monkey and our daughter, who will be dubbed Boogie. Though we have our good days and bad days, my husband and I both have good jobs that allow us to live the life we live. From what we’ve been told, we have a “cute, little” home and we both drive nicer cars. We have great family and friends and I guess we have some pretty cool dogs. (I have a like/dislike relationship with them most days. It’s their fault I struggle with liking them!) All in all, looking from the outside, we have it pretty good. Why am I saying this? Because when people judge and assume that things look great from the outside, they have a harder time understanding why a person, like me, can struggle getting out of bed some mornings. Why does it really matter what outsiders think? It does and it doesn’t. Do I really care what people I don’t know think? Eh, not really. Heck, some days I don’t care what my closest friends or husband think! But to begin to break down the stigma that surrounds depression and mental illness in general, I think it’s important for people to really take a step back and give each other a break. Because truth be told, everyone is fighting a battle you can’t see and you know nothing about.
Where is God in my struggle?
If I am being 100% honest with myself and everyone that is reading this, I am constantly asking God this. “God where are you?” God, why am I feeling like this?” “God, why can’t I enjoy this life you’ve given me?” “God, why am I even here?” Even though I haven’t heard this from Him, I can imagine somedays that God just wants to say to me, “Shut up Chelsea. I am here and if you would stop questioning me 564,827 times a day and just be, you will see that I am here.” Heck, maybe He is trying to tell me that while I am writing this.
Well played God. Well played.
Like any woman, my brain never stops. It is constantly thinking of everything I have to do, haven’t done, need to do and may need to do 5 years from now. IT.NEVER.STOPS. Since I deal with depression and anxiety, having my brain never stop, just overwhelms me to the point where I feel like I am going to go crazy. And on many days, my husband and kids probably think I am! I have a lot on my plate. Without going into too much detail, I have some responsibilities that aren’t your typical responsibilities. So I worry about normal things and then I worry about larger things. I am in a constant state of worry.
I am also a constant planner. I have to plan everything and it all goes in my planner. If it’s not on the planner, I will forget it. Many times I have to ask Siri to remind me of something I need to remember later. Yes I know, it’s sad. But I am slowly learning that I can plan my day down to the hour by hour, and things will still not go to plan.
Let’s take today for example. One of my best friends was coming over with her kids so our kids could play and we could visit. I couldn’t wait! But then I started freaking out because my house wasn’t picked up to my liking and she’s going to be over soon. (If you’re reading this, I know, I know, you don’t care how my house looks! BUT I DO!)(( <– something else I am working on.)) Anyways, I go downstairs to swap out the laundry and as soon as I put the dryer on, I smell rotten eggs. Yup. That disgusting smell that lets you know something is not right. So long story short, my friend and her kids did not come over. Instead, I had to pack up the kids and the dogs and head over to my in-laws house while we wait this gas leak out. Over and over I am telling God, “This isn’t what I meant (while scrubbing the tub) when I said I wanted a new bathroom!”
I am happy to report that the problem is solved and we are back home. In fact, the gas company serviceman couldn’t even find a problem. Uhhhh what the heck?? I mean I am glad there wasn’t a problem but how did I smell that strong of an odor when there wasn’t any type of problem?? And then it clicked! In an instant, I was being reminded that what we have here on this earth right now, is not permanent. It can be taken away within a blink of an eye. Thankfully, it didn’t include my house being taken away today.
Well played God. Well played.