August 3, 2016
I’m writing this post from my phone because I forgot to bring my laptop with me, so fingers crossed this comes out okay!
I am currently sitting in a patient room in the basement of a local children’s hospital facility. Monkey is having a sleep study done to check for sleep apnea as he has spent almost a year battling headaches/migraines. It’s a cozy little room with a hospital bed for him and an awkward, somewhat comfortable recliner for me. (Not the greatest when you’re 6 months pregnant!) Athough there are no needles involved, it’s hard watching your child be hooked up to a bunch of stickers, wires and monitors. I can tell he’s putting on a brave face but I know deep down, he’s anxious and afraid. Something me and monkey have in common because right now, I have my brave face on to hide my anxiety and fear from him.
The last time I spent the night in a hospital room, I was locked on a psychiatric unit for suicide ideation. It was one of the worst experiences of my life and I do suffer from post traumatic stress disorder because of it. Though my PTSD is getting better, certain things, smells or sights can trigger it and the severity of it can range.
Today I was fine. Actually, every day since I found out about the sleep study I’ve been fine. Until we were getting ready. It was like I was back at my house, getting things together, planning to go to the ER under Doctor advisement because I wasn’t of clear mind. The drive here was difficult and once we were parked, I didn’t want to get out of the car. I surprised monkey with a book he’s been wanting so I gave it to him in the parking lot and seeing his face light up with excitement calmed me. Walking in, checking in and being put in our room almost sent me into a panic attack. I was filled with flashbacks of my hospital stay and I just wanted to hide in the corner and cry. But I can’t. I have to be brave. I have to show no fear because in reality, this isn’t about me. This is about my monkey man and what he’s going through.
As I sit here, anxiety high, I am reminding myself that I am okay. That I AM of sound and mind. I am here because I am a good mom and taking care of my son. I’m putting his needs, care and health before my own because I am strong and I can work through this.
I forgot my Bible but thank goodness for the App Store on my phone where I can download a free bible app and read. I also have some good books on my kindle app I can read. I am also praying as I don’t need an app for that. I can connect to God without any device and put all my anxiety on Him and know that He will help me through it. I’m also praying for monkey and putting his anxiety on God as well. Because that’s what God does. He takes us in all of our good times and bad times. Especially our bad times. So as I struggle through my anxiety from our stay, I know we will find rest in our Savior, get a good nights sleep and end up at a fabulous breakfast place eating pancakes after this is all done.