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It’s Time To Confess

Posted in Blog

Back in January, my husband and I both decided to take a 30 day social media vacation. Just a break to detach from our phones and the social media world that has seemed to consume us on a daily basis. We posted on our pages and then deleted all social media apps from our phones. It was time to take a break.

The first week was hard. Like really hard. I kept thinking I was going to miss out on something. It was also difficult as a blogger to take a break. I mean, social media is my blogging life. But after the first week, it got easier. I found I was spending more time with my husband, my kids, myself.

But 30 days ended up turning into over 2 months as a blogger because I haven’t been able to get myself to come back around without being truthful in my journey. There is no way I can post and write without being truthful and authentic. So I took a longer break because I haven’t been ready….until now.

Late last year I found myself in a doctor’s office receiving a diagnosis of a disorder that I long suspected of suffering from. But it was still like a blow to the gut. On a side note, the disorder doesn’t matter and at this time, I won’t be disclosing exactly what it is I am dealing with because there are just some things I’m not ready to share. However, I will say that although there is no cure at the present time, it is not life threatening! (Praise God) I am currently on medication for it and have been since I received my diagnosis and it has made a world of a difference in my symptoms.

But the diagnosis also came with a lot of anger, bitterness and at times, rage. If you have been following my journey, you know the last few years of my life haven’t been easy. Dealing with back to back postpartum depression and anxiety has been a horrible experience and I am so happy and thankful to be on the other side of it. The day I could finally say I no longer was suffering from PPD/PPA was a glorious one. It was like I was finally free from the chains that bound me. And then I get another blow with my diagnosis and it was like, come on! When will it end?

Just yesterday I was texting my husband feeling totally defeated. Why is this happening to me? Why do I have to go through this? Why isn’t there a cure? Why do I need medication? Why, why WHY GOD WHY?? Just why.

I have spent many sleepless nights trying to understand the why behind what seems like a never ending roller coaster. I just feel like I keep getting crapped on. And maybe I am just having a pity party but hey, we are allowed those at times, right?

Romans 8:28 says, “We know that in everything God works for the good of those who love Him. They are the people God called, because that was His plan.” God knows what He is doing, even though I don’t. He has allowed me to go through this for a reason I don’t quite understand. It’s a frustrating, yet humbling experience.

Though suffering sucks, (and somedays, it really sucks!) I know that it is only temporary. One day, Christ is going to come for those that follow Him and we will be taken to a place where there is no more suffering. Romans 8:18 says “We have sufferings now. But the sufferings we have now are nothing compared to the great glory that will be given to us.” 

So with all that being said, I am going to start sharing my journey more as I focus on a healthier lifestyle with the goal that it will hopefully help alleviate the symptoms and side effects of my disorder and the medication I am on as well as help battle the depression and anxiety I still deal with. I hope you will find encouragement from my journey and I look forward to sharing it with you all.

It’s good to be back!

Rae

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