July 26, 2016
I have a confession to make. I am mad. I mean really mad. I’m a mixture of emotions which probably doesn’t help with all the extra added pregnancy hormones but I’ve gotten to my breaking point and I feel like I am going to explode……
I am so sick and tired of hearing how big or huge I am or how I must be carrying twins because of how big I am. I have the ongoing privilege of hearing this on a daily basis from many different people, most of them, complete strangers! It leads me to wonder many different things so here is what I have to say to every person who has said something to me:
When did it become your business on how a pregnant woman’s body develops? Since when do you feel you’ve been given the right to ask such an intrusive question? Why do you feel the need to criticize how small or big a pregnant woman’s body is? Would you go up to someone who wasn’t pregnant and question them on why they are the way they are? If not, why does being pregnant welcome a free pass of your rude comments? What does commenting on my pregnant body size do for you?
Unknowingly for you, let me tell you what it has done to me:
It has taken away from the joy I should be feeling knowing I am growing a tiny human life. It has made me feel self-conscious, doubt my beauty and cry in shame because your comments hurt. I have questioned if I am eating the right foods, exercising enough or doing enough to stay healthy. I, at times, have obsessed about what I should or could be doing differently because obviously, I must be doing something wrong to have you comment on my size! It has frustrated my husband because no matter how many times he has told me how beautiful I am, I have struggled to see it because of your comments and remarks. Your comments have hurt me deeply, they suck and I hate them.
Now here is what I believe:
I don’t believe you have any ill will intent towards me. I don’t believe you say it to be mean or hurtful. I believe you say it because that’s what you’re supposed to say, right? You ask when I am due, if I know what I am having and then feel the need to comment on my body size. That just the order of what you say/ask when you see a pregnant woman.
Why not instead of making unnecessary comments on a pregnant woman’s body, why don’t you ask her how she is doing or how she is feeling? Though I have suffered greatly from postpartum depression/anxiety/OCD and not while pregnant, many pregnant mamas suffer from depression or another maternal mental illness and your comments, whether you know if she’s suffering or not, don’t help. Because maternal mental illness can’t always be seen. Us mamas can do a pretty good job of hiding the pain with a smile on our faces. So yes I may laugh when you make a comment about my size or weight, but deep down, you’re cutting my heart with a knife.
Through all of this, I have learned that my true beauty doesn’t lie in stranger’s comments, my husband’s sweet words or even my own thoughts. My true beauty is found in my Creator and Heavenly Father who knitted me in my mama’s womb and made me exactly who I am. Is it easy to always feel beautiful, especially pregnant? Um no. Being pregnant does a number on a woman’s body but looking for validation from complete strangers isn’t the answer. Even finding validation in my husband or myself isn’t the answer, because let’s face it, you are your own worst critic. Instead I am turning my focus on my Heavenly Father, my Savior Jesus Christ and who He has made me to be and focus on being the healthiest I can be for MYSELF and MY BABY, not anyone else.
So yes I attempt to exercise daily with yoga, I eat mostly clean and organic but know that I will (and have) run to Taco Bell at 1:00am to get some soft tacos if I am craving it!!! (Or KFC’s chicken little snackers or a giant banana split sundae from the local custard joint down the street haha)
I have chosen to embrace this pregnancy journey I am on and am anxiously counting down the days until I can hold my beautiful little nugget in my arms that God so loving knit in my womb.