Today was hard. Like extremely hard. The kind that makes you want to run away to an island where it is just you and no one else. It started like a normal day, running around like a crazy person trying to get myself and 3 kids ready to make it to church. I brought my laptop because I thought maybe I would catch up on some homework while listening to the message in the lobby as the kids played in their classrooms. But I did not. I did not do homework and I did not even go into the service. I stayed in the auditorium and just sat. My brain on overload. I’m on overload.
I am currently in my first semester at Liberty University Online where I am finishing the last bit of my Bachelors in Psychology. I’m currently 10 weeks into the semester, 2 classes down with 2 more to go for the next 4 weeks. I’ll finish on a Friday and start the Fall semester on the following Monday. Literally a 2 day break. I never thought I would ever go back to school. I have been at my current job for about 6 years and I love it. I work for a great company and work with great people and I consider myself very blessed. Last year I felt God leading me to go to school to become a Postpartum Doula, which I completed in 10 months and started my own small business on the side. I thought I would just work a few nights a week or a day here or there on the weekend with moms and continue working where I am at. But God had other plans apparently.
Towards the end of last year, I really felt God placing it on my heart to finish my Bachelors and move onto my Masters in Counseling and make a complete career change as a therapist working with moms struggling with perinatal mood and anxiety disorders. It was one heck of a process and I hit a lot of road blocks, but finally I started and am going full time. As any student knows, school is hard. Homework is hard. Learning is hard. Balancing school and work is hard. How about you through in a husband, 3 kids, 2 dogs and a house? HARD. I have cried more times than I can count and have wanted to quit more times than I would like to admit. But I keep pressing on. Why?
Because I know that God has this planned for me. I know this is the path He wants me to travel. Though I don’t understand the why behind the why me, I am humbly allowing Him to use me. But it doesn’t change the fact that it’s hard. I am tired. Exhausted. Like most days I want to stay in bed and sleep. I have consumed a disgusting amount of red bull and mountain dew just to maintain myself to get through the day.
So many people comment, “I don’t know how you do it!” and I don’t know how I do it either. I’m a hot mess who stopped wearing makeup because I rather sleep an extra 5 minutes (and I don’t really care because I don’t have to look at myself ha!), I run on mountain dew for breakfast, Taco Bell for lunch and do take out for dinner most nights because I am either too exhausted to cook or hubby and I forgot to take out something to defrost for dinner. Laundry piles up. Bedtime is at least a 2 hour battle with Boogie. By the time I sit down to start doing homework, it’s past 10pm. I am exhausted and many nights, I don’t know how I am going to get through another day. But somehow, I make it.
I tell myself all the time that I am trying. I am trying to get through school. I am trying to be a good mom and good wife. I am trying to keep up with the never ending housework and laundry. Try, try, try. I keep trying. One night my husband looked at me and said, you are not trying, you are doing! I am doing my homework, I am doing a good job as a mom and wife and I am doing what needs to be done. My husband is the most amazing partner and me going back to school and trying to maintain some sort of sanity could not be done if it weren’t for him. I don’t know how I got so lucky.
So to the moms out there who are exhausted. Who are struggling to find a balance of everything that is on your plate. To the moms who don’t know how you are going to get through another day. I see you, I hear you, I feel you. Being a mom is HARD. It’s exhausting. Some of you may wonder why you even chose this life and that is okay. I have days where I wonder what life would’ve been like if I stayed childless. But then at the end of another exhausting day, I see the toys on the floor, the overflowing baskets of laundry, the half drank sippy cups and the sleeping babies in their beds and I know that I am right where I am supposed to be. And I know that I am doing the best job that I know how.
So to all of you tired moms out there. You are doing the hard work. You are doing important work. You are doing a damn good job. Never forget that even in the hardest moments, God sees you, He hears you and He has you. You are His precious child and He loves you so very much.
“For You formed my innermost parts; You knit me [together] in my mother’s womb. I will give thanks and praise to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well.” Psalm 139:13-14 AMP