You would think that I don’t like to blog anymore due to the fact that today is May 22nd and this is my first post of 2019. 2018 ended on a note filled with mixed emotions and if you read my last post, I am happy to report that my husband’s biopsy results came back negative for cancer and he is happy and healthy. Praise Jesus!
This year has been nothing short of a roller coaster where somedays I want to jump off of the ride, even if it is for just a few minutes. I am in my last semester of my undergrad at Liberty University and was proudly accepted into the Masters of Clinical Mental Health Counseling program at LU. I officially registered for my first set of classes in the Masters program TODAY and I am so excited but also very scared and nervous! Like undergrad is one thing, but graduate school? It’s very intimidating. But I keep plugging away.
My kids are growing like weeds and every day is something new, fun, frustrating and hilarious. We are venturing through the first year of middle school with Monkey and although it has had some hiccups, overall, I couldn’t be more proud of how amazing he is. He is now taller than me, (which lets be real, we all knew that was going to happen with me only being 4’11!) but he continues to amaze me with how caring, fun and dependable he is. I am so proud of the young man he is becoming.
And Boogie. We can’t forget my Boogie Bear. The stuff that comes out of Boogie is nothing short of fascinating. She is 4 1/2 and I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around her thought process and the stuff that comes out of her mouth. I keep being told I should write a book on the stuff she says. Maybe one day I will. I think it would be golden. She tests my patience and limits but she also has taught me to slow down and smell the flowers. Literally. She stops and smells flowers every chance she gets. At first this would drive me nuts, because just like life, I am constantly on the go and in a hurry. One afternoon when I was being my typical frazzled self, she yelled at me, “MOM! Just take a breath and smell the flower. It smells so pretty.” It was then that I realized I needed to start slowing down and that nothing is worth being in a rush for. And the flowers do smell so pretty.
Last but certainly not least, my sweet little Nugget. Oh how he holds my heart. He is now 2 1/2 and he is in full on toddler mode. Every day there are bigger sentences and even more creative ways to call me names. It changes daily but he is pretty stuck on either Poopy You or Poop Nugget. (Thanks Nugget, I love you too.) One of the many things I love about this little guy is his love for his blankets. He has had these little cloth blankets since he was born and we used to rotate them. But now he brings them everywhere he goes. There is literally six of these blankets. Six. Each one has a different pattern and color, but they are all light and comfortable. When we go places, we have to count and make sure we have each and every one, because he knows if one is missing! At bed time, he grabs his whole pile of blankets and brings them to bed with him. When he goes to my in laws for the day, they come with us.
None of my previous kids were ever blanket kids. Sure we would have one in the car during the winter or if we were going somewhere that would involve us coming home towards bed time, but none of my kids have been so obsessed about their blankets. I think it’s adorable and I will miss it when he carries them around. I honestly will probably keep each and every one when he has outgrown them.
This morning though, as I stood in the kitchen, out walked Nugget in nothing but his diaper and his arms full of blankets. You could tell he was still half asleep and all he said was, “Mama, hold me.” So I grabbed him and sat on the couch with him and all of his blankies. He settled his head against my chest, I covered him one by one in a blanket and he slowly drifted back to sleep as I softly rubbed his back. It was in that quiet, peaceful moment, that I realized how quickly time has slipped away from me. My baby is not a little baby anymore. He is this little boy who has such a way of tugging at my heart.
I feel like the past 4 years, life has been such a blurry hot mess. It has been 4 years since I first spiraled into postpartum depression and what eventually became postpartum anxiety too. I feel robbed of the postpartum experience with Boogie and Nugget. Although there were some fleeting moments, I missed out on the joyful moments of the postpartum period because my mind was in such a fog of deep sadness, loneliness, anxiety and scary thoughts. Postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety consumed the last few years and I feel like I have just blinked and my babies aren’t babies anymore and it kills me. My heart is shattered into a million little pieces. I cry a lot on the things I have missed. I have to learn to mourn what my experience was and wasn’t. And that is a tough pill to swallow.
As I sat on the couch holding my little boy, it forced me to realize how in life we have choices and decisions to make, even if they don’t make sense at the time they are happening. Life circumstances out of my control have forced me to slow down my life and it has allowed me to take care of me and my health for the first time. Time has allowed me to laugh more, smile more and enjoy the time with my husband more. Time has allowed me to spend more time with Monkey going to the movies and eating ice cream. Time has allowed me to stop and smell all of the flowers with Boogie. Time has allowed me to cuddle with a little boy and a bunch of his blankies in the quiet of the morning. Time has made me fully realize how important time truly is and how fast it is going by and how I truly can’t miss anymore of these moments.
2 Peter 3:8 “But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: To the Lord one day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years is like one day.” ICB