I remember the day so vividly, like it was yesterday. It was Memorial Day 2014 and I just had this gut feeling, I just knew. While hubby did some work in the backyard, I took Monkey and stopped at our local Walgreens for a test and then 7-11 for some slurpees because it was hot out that day! As soon as we got home, I rushed into the bathroom to take the test. While I waited the 3 minutes (which was the longest 3 minutes of my life!) I kept telling myself that if it’s negative, it’s okay. Hubby and I just started trying, we were getting married in a few weeks and if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen when it’s supposed to. After 3 minutes I looked and saw the symbols I needed to see: I was pregnant.
I remember feeling a million different emotions. I wasn’t 19, scared and afraid like when I found out I was pregnant with Monkey. I could be excited. This was exciting! I remember the look and joy on hubby’s face when I told him. It brought me to tears. We were having a baby!
I was 6 weeks pregnant at our wedding but only a couple people knew. My best friend made sure I always had a glass of water or sprite in my hand so no one would push a drink on me. She was my life saver. We told our family 2 days after our wedding, on Father’s Day and it was the most fun! We had both of our families line up outside for a “family picture” but instead of taking a picture, we were recording a video. We said at the count of 3…1….2….we’re pregnant! Having everyone’s reaction on video was priceless. It was a day we’ll never forget.
My pregnancy was horrible. I mean horrible. I was sick every single day. I mean throwing up every day. I was in physical therapy for 3 months due to issues with nerves in my leg and struggling to walk. I gained 60lbs and just felt terrible. But when we found out it was a girl, we were ecstatic! My sister in law had 4 boys and we had Monkey so this was the first granddaughter! We couldn’t wait to meet her.
Boogie was born 2 years ago today and it’s been a roller coaster. If you’ve been following my blog, you know that it was a few months after she was born that I started my dark journey into postpartum depression and anxiety. I struggle because while I feel like I’m finally better, I struggle because I don’t remember a lot of her little life so far. I feel so much guilt for not remembering things she did, said or looked like. Honestly, thank God for Facebook’s “on this day” because I can see memories that I thought I would never have again.
The one thing I’ve never done, is blame her. It’s never crossed my mind to blame her. I never said “If I hadn’t had her, I would be fine.” Because I don’t know if I would’ve been fine. I’ve battled depression and anxiety for years and if it wasn’t her birth triggering it, something else would’ve. I don’t blame her. I thank her. She gave me strength and drive when I didn’t feel I had it. Especially now. She is a spit fire! She dances and sings to her own beat. She doesn’t let anything stop her from what she’s trying to accomplish. (No seriously, she doesn’t listen to anything we tell her to do. I call them leadership skills. She’ll be a CEO one day.) She is my driving force to be the best mom I can be and to speak up and fight for myself and her, as women.
To my precious Boogie Bear. Mama loves you beyond words and measure. Happy 2nd Birthday to my beautiful little princess. May today be special and wonderful and filled with love, family, cake and Elsa.