The Night Before Returning to Work

Well tonight is the night. The night that I’ve been dreading and most looking forward to. The night before I go back to work. In less than 12 hours I’ll be heading back to my full time job and I’m a hot mess of emotions right now. I really didn’t think I would be struggling as much as I am right now. I’ve actually really been looking forward to going back to work. I’m very blessed to be in my 6th calendar year with my employer, happy with both the company and my fellow coworkers. Though I have some days where it’s been a struggle (let’s be honest, everyone has those days!) I really love my job and what I do. But I really love being a mom too and being home with my kids.

My maternity leave has been nothing like I thought it would be. I knew it was going to be an adjustment, but I wasn’t prepared for how it ended up going. It felt like 12 weeks was going to last a long time but I had Nugget, went into treatment several weeks after he was born, then BOOM cue the holidays and all the craziness that comes with it and then I blinked and now it’s time to go back. I’ve had many, many, many and many days where I thought I was going to lose my mind. Balancing a home, a crazy, sassy toddler, a new baby, a 4th grader and 2 giant dogs, by the time my husband came home I was ready to run away! Actually I’ve told him that before. I think my exact words were, “I’m changing my name and running away!” Then he called my bluff and I decided not to run away. But I did think about it!

I find myself struggling most with the fact that my babies won’t stay babies and before I know it, they’re going to be leading their own lives and not needing me as much as they need me now. As much as I have been looking forward to getting back to work, being around adults and contributing financially again to our household, I’m really going to miss being at home. I’m going to miss sending Monkey off on the bus and being home when he gets off the bus. I’m going to miss watching and singing Frozen and Tangled with Boogie and I’m going to miss cuddling and nursing Nugget through out the day. I’m really going to miss it. The days that I took for granted, I wish I had more days to make up for all the crappy days I had.

I feel an immense amount of mom guilt for all the time wasted stressing and worrying about stupid things instead of living in the moments I had at home with them. But I also know that they will be in great hands with my wonderful mother in law. I can’t put into words how thankful and appreciative we are that she is spending her time and days to take care of our younger two while we work. So I have peace of mind in that aspect. With me going back to work, it makes me value the time I do and will have with my husband and kids even more.

I know going back to work isn’t the end of the world, I know God gave me the job that He did and I am where I am because He placed me there. But it still is hard, so I’m pressing into God and praying that He will help me in this next transition of my life. And I know He will. Until then, I’m going to snuggle a little more with Nugget, finish my glass of wine and enjoy the little bit of time I have left of my leave. So here’s to the next chapter of my life and here’s hoping I don’t shed a ton of tears tomorrow morning.