The Lies and Truths of My 2016

With 2016 coming to a close, I think it’s normal for people to take a look back and evaluate how their year went, what they liked and didn’t like and what they would like see to for themselves in the coming year. So like everyone else, I find myself doing just that. Looking back at 2016 and everything that happened and what an intense year it was. So I welcome you to my 2016……

**TRIGGER WARNING: Some things I talk about in regards to my postpartum depression, anxiety and intrusive thoughts may be triggering to some. Please proceed with caution if you feel this may affect you.**

2016 started off rocky but was filled with so much promise. I was finally off of my medication and was slowly healing from terrible postpartum depression/anxiety/OCD. I was trying to put the memories of my hospitalization behind me and try to focus on the future. I wanted to work on my marriage, work on being a better wife and mother. I felt drained going into 2016 but determined I would overcome the challenges I faced in 2015.

If you’ve been following my blog, you know that Hubby and I were thrown for a loop with a surprise pregnancy this past spring and I’ve blogged about my struggles throughout my pregnancy and leading up until the birth of our son this past November. What I was never able to accept or admit was that I struggled with antepartum depression, or depression during pregnancy, for the majority of my pregnancy. Looking back, it was pretty obvious but during my pregnancy, I didn’t want to admit that I was struggling again with some form of perinatal mood and anxiety disorder. Towards the end of my pregnancy, I was excited. I was genuinely looking forward to our surprise baby and once he got here, I was so over the moon in love with him, that I forgot how much I struggled mentally and emotionally during my pregnancy with him.

The day after he was born, I was overwhelmed with emotion and love for him. I just felt so happy he was here and couldn’t imagine how much I didn’t want another baby in the beginning of my pregnancy. It was like those thoughts were never mine. It was strange. By the third day I felt an almost paranoia when it came to anyone around him. When I went to use the bathroom, I remember telling Hubby, “Don’t let them take him!” to which he replied, “Who?” “I don’t know. Just anyone that comes in the room. Don’t let anyone take him.” I said back. He just kind of looked at me funny and I closed the door of the bathroom. I couldn’t shake the fear that someone may take him, which I attributed to the fact that we decided not to have Nugget circumcised and I was paranoid that someone would take him away and perform the procedure anyways. It wasn’t until later on that afternoon that the doctor reassured me MULTIPLE times that no one would take him out of the room. I was able to chill out a little after that, but I still felt this hyper-vigilance that I couldn’t shake.

Over the next several weeks I started noticing tendencies of postpartum anxiety creeping back up. Intense anxiety like I had never experienced before. I dismissed it as me trying to adjust to a new baby in the house and my hormones settling. I wasn’t prepared for how bad it was going to get…..

It was a Monday afternoon and I had just finished feeding Nugget and laid him to sleep in the bassinet set up in the living room. I put Boogie in her high chair and made her lunch. She was singing while eating her lunch and I was preparing dinner to throw into the crock pot. When out of nowhere I experienced the worst intrusive thought I had ever experienced.

SIDE NOTE: For those of you who don’t know what an intrusive thought is, it’s basically a random thought that is not your own thinking, that will just randomly pop into your head. For example, one afternoon while holding Boogie before I was going to bathe her, I had this random thought pop in my head, “What if she drowned while you bathed her?” It terrified me to the point that I didn’t bathe her that day or for months. While some intrusive thoughts are simple, “What ifs?” some intrusive thoughts can be very violent or even sexual in nature. Karen Kleiman wrote an excellent book on intrusive thoughts called Dropping the Baby and Other Scary Thoughts. I highly recommend this book to anyone wanting more understanding of intrusive thoughts.

Back to that Monday afternoon, I experienced an extremely violent intrusive thought where I found myself hysterically crying and afraid. I called my best friend who literally dropped everything and came over. I was confused and didn’t understand why it happened but I let it go and moved on. Over that week I experienced several more violent intrusive thoughts and suicidal ideation. By the time the next week rolled around, I couldn’t do it anymore. I needed help. I reached out to the woman who leads my weekly postpartum support group who was able to give me a couple phone numbers to an outpatient intensive psychiatric program that is specially designed for women experiencing a perinatal mood and anxiety disorder. I was literally shaking as I dialed the phone number and then I started second guessing myself when I was on hold but as soon as the woman on the other line started asking me questions, I knew this was beyond my control and I needed professional help.

I drove half way across the state to attend this program and thank God I did. The first day was scary and overwhelming but for the first time, I felt hope. To be able to sit there, crying while holding my baby and telling medical professionals what thoughts I was experiencing and for them to tell me that I wasn’t crazy, that I wasn’t a danger to myself or my kids, that I am a good mom for coming there and that it was going to be okay. I was going to beat this once and for all. I ended up being in their program for a week and a half and it literally changed my life. I walked into their building feeling so afraid and hopeless and I walked out of their building 10 days later feeling hopeful and a new confidence I had never felt before.

So 2016 has been a rough one to say the least. But here are some things I believed going into 2016 and leaving 2016: I used to believe the lie that I was a terrible wife and mom. That I couldn’t do anything right and never will be able to. That I can’t do this life that has been given to me and I am failing miserably every second of every day. But I know the truth that I am in fact, a good mom. I am not perfect, but I am perfectly made for this life, for my husband and for my kids. It’s no longer “I can’t”, it’s “I will figure it out.”

I know this post is longer than my other posts but I felt it was important to end 2016 with absolute honesty and head into 2017 with a new perspective and a new hope. Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders suck and pretty much took the last two years away from me. I will not let it steal another year away from my husband, my kids and me.

Adios 2016, thank you for the tough lessons you taught me, but in all honesty, you will NOT be missed!