I went to bed on Christmas Eve exhausted but excited. Hubby and I finally called it a night around 2:30 am and I spent the next 8 hours struggling with broken sleep, nursing a hungry baby and fighting a stupid headache. By the time it was Christmas morning, I didn’t care. If I could’ve stayed in bed all day by myself not being bothered by one thing or person, it would’ve been a wonderful gift. My kids didn’t run in my room screaming or acting all obnoxious. It was quite the opposite. Monkey let Boogie out of her room and together, they quietly watched Frozen until hubby got up with Nugget and sat out with them. I laid in bed finding myself not giving a rip that it was Christmas. I didn’t care that we had presents down stairs for our kids, I didn’t care that they were excited for what’s to come, I had no desire to see the joy or happiness on their sweet faces and I had no desire to give hubby his gifts I worked so hard to hide from him and had been so excited to give him.
Finding the Joy in Christmas
I asked myself why and I had no reason why. I have an amazing husband, 3 beautiful and healthy kids and a wonderful life and on one of the most happiest of holidays, I couldn’t find any happiness or joy within myself. I felt down, sad and just overall blahness. It’s such a shame what depression tries to (and often time succeeds) steal from not only me, but my husband and my kids. Many, many times I’m in such a depressive state that I can’t see how my depression and pain causes them pain, especially my husband who so desperately puts on a strong front as to not add to my already depressive state.
On Christmas morning though, I had two choices to make: succumb to the depression or fight it. I chose to desperately fight it. I chose to put a smile on my face (even though in the beginning it felt forced), I focused on my tone of voice and trying to sound more positive and upbeat and I chose to put my phone down (except to take a few pictures) and focus on the present moments in front of me. It wasn’t the easiest at first, but after praying and giving my depressive state to God, I entered our living room determined to not turn Christmas into another memory of depression winning.
Do you know what happened? Every negative feeling I was experiencing, melted away. I fell in love with the pure happiness on my kids faces, was able to genuinely laugh when hubby called me a jerk after I took out the hidden presents I had for him and actually felt love and excitement when hubby was able to surprise me with concert tickets to see Casting Crowns. We enjoyed a nice afternoon at both my family’s house and my best friend’s house and when we got home, I was overwhelmed with love, joy and peace.
I don’t feel peace pretty much ever but last night, I did and I almost missed it. Our day could’ve gone so differently, and not in a good way. Every day is a process in some way, shape or form but I am making a conscious effort to make my days, my hubby’s days and my children’s days as best as they possibly can be. I refuse to let depression and anxiety keep getting the best of us. I refuse to let depression and anxiety keep winning. My kids and hubby deserve to win and finally, I am realizing that I deserve to win as well.
This is so good to read. Well done for choosing to find joy in the day and not let depression win. Very encouraging. I pray that your days would be increasingly filled with joy. Xx