The Last Night

It’s almost 1:00am and I should be in bed. I will be going into the hospital in the morning to prepare for my scheduled csection that I am still not fully mentally prepared for. (Though is anyone really ever fully prepared for a baby?) This pregnancy has been a journey to say the least and I find myself, sitting in my room, reflecting on the last 9 months and preparing for what’s to come within the next 15 hours.

I remember like it was yesterday when I found out I was pregnant with this little nugget. We weren’t trying and I didn’t know if I wanted more kids but I took a test to get that little voice of “What if…” out of my head. That little question threw me on a journey I did not want when the test read one word: pregnant.

I spent months full of anger, resentment and hatred toward God and my husband. I could not (and still don’t fully understand) how God would allow this to happen when I had spent almost a year, literally, fighting for my life as I battled severe postpartum depression/anxiety/OCD after having my daughter. I went back and forth fighting my husband because I wanted an abortion. I did not want this baby.

Now I know to some of you reading this, you’re wondering how a woman could even think that. But let me tell you, there are so many women out there, moms out there, who have felt EXACTLY how I felt. I have no shame for what I felt because it was real, it was my pain and it is my truth.

I can’t tell you what stopped me from stepping foot into that clinic but choosing not to walk through those doors wasn’t easy. I knew whether I stepped through them or away from them, my life would never be the same. I chose to walk away from them.

Now as I sit here, hours away from meeting this little nugget, I feel so many emotions. I don’t even know how to sum them up because after much prayer and consideration, hubby and I decided that this little nugget is our last.

So as I sit here and reflect on this journey, I feel so thankful I chose life for this little one. I am thankful for every little kick, punch, stretch, hiccup and turn I have felt because this is the last time I will ever feel a little ones movements inside my belly. I will never again get to experience the changes my body makes to prepare for a child. I will never again experience the sound of hearing their heartbeat for the first time or getting to see their tiny little body on the ultrasound machine. I will never again feel that overwhelming love you feel when you see your husbands reaction when he feels them kick for the first time.

I am sad that this pregnancy did not start how it should’ve. I am sad that I spent half of this pregnancy angry and wishing I wasn’t pregnant. I am sad because I feel like I missed out on so much joy because of my fear and pain. But I am so thankful that God and my husband never gave up on me. That I was allowed to be angry and feel a multitude of emotions as I worked through it. My husband never made me feel like I was any less loved, wanted or needed even when I spewed hatred at him. He reminded me even more how much I am loved, wanted and needed and for that, I am forever grateful.

So as I count down the hours until our little nugget is here, I am filled with typical anxiety as you prepare for a baby and delivery but I can’t help but feel overwhelmed knowing I am going to finally be able to know what nugget is, see their squishy, little face and be able to hold him/her so close to me so he/she knows how much he/she is loved, wanted and needed by me.