To New Beginnings

Thursday, August 6, 2015 would have been my date of death.

Waking up on that morning, it was like any other day. I got up and in the midst of my hazy fog of depression and anxiety, I got myself ready for work, Monkey and Boogie ready to go to my in-laws for the day and off I went to get through another day. I drove the 30 or so minute drive to drop the kids off just like every other morning and drove another 30 or so minutes to work. That morning, my anxiety was higher than normal and I couldn’t tell you why. I was listening to music in my car when in the middle of the song I was listening to and not touching my phone, ‘Shake it Off’ by Taylor Swift started playing. I let it play and tried to take her words to heart and shake off the stupid anxiety I was feeling. After it was done, ‘We Believe’ by The Newboys started to play and it felt to me, that God was trying to tell me that He was there for me and was going to help me get through the work day until I could make it home to my hubby and kids.

I worked until 6:00 and made it home shortly after that. Hubby and the kids were watching Modern Family (one of our favorite shows to watch as a family) so I joined them on the couch and grabbed Boogie to nurse her. It was just like any other day, except something wasn’t right. I couldn’t explain but I didn’t feel right. Something was off. I was off.

When I was done nursing Boogie, I handed her to hubby and went into our bedroom to lay down. I could hear hubby and Monkey laughing at the TV and I was overwhelmed with the thoughts that they deserve better. That I wasn’t the wife and mother they all deserved. I just wasn’t good enough. I have a life insurance policy and another one through work, hubby would get a good lump sum of money to pay off our home or move to a bigger home. He could find a woman who would be everything he wanted and needed and she could do a so much better job at raising Monkey and Boogie. I was flooded with thought after thought after thought on why I should and needed to end my life. But I fought the overwhelming thoughts that plagued my mind and sent a text to my hubby. A simple text….”Something is wrong…I am not okay.”

Thursday August 6, 2015 would have been my date of death. It would have been the day that turned my husband into a widower and Monkey and Boogie motherless. It would have turned into the days of my husband having to plan my funeral and burial instead of us making future plans together. It would have become the worst day in his life and my kids life. Even in my darkest moment, I knew that something was wrong with me beyond what I could comprehend and because I reached out, I am here and I am alive.

Today is Saturday August 6, 2016, 1 year later and I am alive, happy and healthy. I couldn’t be more thankful for my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for walking every step with me, my amazingly awesome hubby who never once, ever even attempted to give up on me, never stopped loving me and never stopped supporting me, my beautiful children who give my life meaning and my family and friends for their continued love and support.

So today, August 6th, I will make this day a new chapter of my life. August 6th doesn’t need to be a day filled with darkness and despair, instead I will make it a day that is filled with life, happiness and love. One that I can be thankful for because I survived. I am alive!

So I bring to you my brand new blog. One that I have worked so tirelessly on and a project that I am so proud of and proud of myself for doing. I did not go through the darkness I did for nothing and I will spend the rest of my life being there for moms that have, are and will go through a postpartum illness.

So here is to a brand new beginning. <3