Learning to Embrace Life’s Bumps

When I decided to take a breather from social media, I didn’t anticipate I would have taken such a long break. It has been almost 9 weeks and for some reason, I have been very hesitant to start blogging again. I’m not sure why as I absolutely love blogging and being able to share my story across the world. But this time around, it’s different. I feel anxious, scared and unsure of myself and what I have to say but I know that somewhere out there, there is someone who needs to hear what I will write. I have found myself at times, over the last 9 weeks, desperately searching online for women who have dealt with my feelings and situation. I wanted and needed to know I am not alone. I know I am not alone and whoever is reading this, you are not alone.

The last 9 weeks have been an absolute whirlwind as I have seen my entire life flipped upside down. I had a successful month of being off of my medication and was really feeling myself again. Having more good days than bad and overall feeling like I was in a really good spot. Then I found out I was pregnant. Yup. Hello bombshell, I didn’t want you to drop on over anytime soon. My husband and I were not trying(and yeah I know it only takes one time…harhar….that joke isn’t funny) and although we had talked about it here and there, I didn’t even know if I wanted anymore kids. We decided if we were going to have another one, we would wait until the fall and talk about it again. Well I guess instead of waiting until the fall, God decided He would just give us a baby in the fall. I laugh about it now and the horrible timing but everything happens for a reason right? (another phrase I wanted to punch everyone in the face who said that to me)

When I found out I was pregnant, I will be honest, I was not happy. I experienced sheer panic and went into a full blown panic attack, hyperventilating and all. I called a couple close friends who had to figuratively (not literally) talk me off the ledge. This was not happening and I must be dreaming. I took 4 tests. Yes 4. Every time I had to pee, I took a test. Nope, all came back the same. Then I thought it must have been a defective box. But reality set in, especially after telling my husband and I had to face the fact that we were expecting baby #3. We told our families that weekend, which some say was really soon, but I was hoping that by telling everyone, I would catch their excitement. Nope, didn’t happen.

Over the next 7 weeks I experienced every emotion imaginable. The first few weeks, I was extremely angry. I mean down right angry. My husband and I fought all the time. I told him I hated him. I wanted whatever was in me, gone. I considered ending my pregnancy but knew deep down that wasn’t what I wanted. I was angry at God and not understanding how friends of mine who have tried for years, unsuccessfully, to have a baby and couldn’t and all my husband has to do is look at me and I’m pregnant. Every time someone congratulated me, I wanted to cry. My first doctor’s appointment was awful. I didn’t want to be there and at my first ultrasound, I wouldn’t even look at the screen. I couldn’t.

I have spent a lot of time in prayer over what is going on and I have found comfort in being honest with my husband and having those tough conversations. I have a couple close friends that I can have talks with that no one should hear or want to hear and those talks I am forever grateful for. I have also found incredible encouragement through a local PPD support group that I go to every week. Hearing other moms share their stories and what they went through, made me feel not so alone. I felt my anger subside and have slowly started to experience peace about it.

Am I excited yet? No. Am I still angry about it? No. I feel indifferent at the moment, which is progress. Progress I am happy about. I also bought an outfit for the nugget (although it resulted in me crying in the Sears bathroom after I bought it, darn emotions!) We aren’t finding out the sex and gender neutral outfits are hard to find!

Putting this out there is very scary for me but I want it out there. I want it available for the next mom who finds herself pregnant, struggling and searching desperately to find someone to let her know she isn’t alone. Having a baby is scary, especially when it’s not planned. It can throw a wrench in your plan but that is what I am learning, there is no such thing as MY PLAN, only God’s plan. So for now, I will set goals for myself and follow the plan that God has set for me, my husband and our expanding family. One day at a time. <3

<—-12 week nugget bump! I’m also learning to embrace the fact that no matter how good my intentions are, there is no such thing as being caught up on laundry. It is only going to get worse. haha. 😉