Tuesday, February 23, 2016
When Fear Derails Healing
Over the last week, my husband and I have had some really deep, serious conversations. You know the ones where it hurts to have them, because quite frankly, the truth hurts? My husband has been the most amazing support system through out my battle of postpartum depression. He has been my continuous backbone and rock and has shown me nothing but patience, kindness, love and most importantly, grace. There have been many moments where, quite frankly, I am a straight up mean person. I say things I don’t mean and cut him down with words where I know it hurts because I am in that much pain. But he doesn’t lash out, he doesn’t yell or scream or fight back with the nastiness that I show him. He shows me love and grace but with truth and honesty as well.
“Do you even want to get better?”
That question haunted me for days. I lost sleep over that question. When my husband asked me that, I obviously spit back “Of course!” but in all honesty, I wasn’t sure. I have gotten so used to being in this foggy daze of depression and anxiety mixed with massive feelings of inadequacy as a wife and mother that I have lost the will or desire to care. I felt absolutely trapped in this cycle where I wanted to care, but I didn’t and I didn’t care to try to care. As much as I didn’t want to hear it, when my husband told me, I have to push and I have to fight, I knew he was right. But where do you begin to care when you haven’t given a care about yourself in almost a year?
One thing I have learned between countless therapy sessions and pushing from my husband is that I need to make time for myself. In order to be the best wife and mom, they say I have to take care of me first and quite frankly, I have no idea how to do that. One time when my therapist asked me what I like to do, I couldn’t give her an answer. I couldn’t give her one solid answer of a hobby or past time. Nothing. Between her and my husband, I have been given many different ideas and options and I come back with every excuse in the book to not do it. You name it, I have said it. One of the things that keeps coming back up is yoga. Ahhh de-stressing in a yoga class. It sounded amazing and wonderful and I would love to try it! But nope, I gave my husband every reason why I won’t go.
Me: I have nothing to wear
Hubby: Go to the mall and buy yourself something
Me: It’s too far of a drive
Hubby: It’s 5 miles away
Me: I haven’t seen the kids all day!
Hubby: They will be in bed anyways during the class. GO!
I am amazed my husband hasn’t just slapped me for being so stubbornly obnoxious because if I had to deal with me, I would’ve slapped myself a long time ago! I am the most stubborn brat because I give myself every reason why I could fail, why it may not work and why I am not deserving of some me time. But I finally sucked it up after finding an awesome Groupon deal for 10 yoga sessions for $20.00 at a Christian based yoga center. So last night, I decided to finally give it a go and it pretty much started with me in tears on the way there, calling my husband frantically because I am incapable of driving 5 miles down the road in the dark, passing the place several times and getting lost. (ONLY ME I SWEAR! HA!)
I wanted to go home but I fought the personal fear, the lies I hear and the pain I feel and went in. What I experienced in that one hour yoga class was life changing. The room was dimly lit with no mirrors so I couldn’t look at myself and judge myself from what I saw. The session was opened with a Bible verse and praise and worship music played through out the session. Instead of me focusing on what’s going on in my head, I was able to feel a connection to God I haven’t felt in a long time. I felt strong, calm and for the first time in a very long time, I felt peace. Peace in knowing that our Almighty God has His hand on me and He isn’t letting go. I came back from that class changed and I can’t even fully explain it. Does it mean I am cured from my depression? No. I still believe some people, including myself, are more prone to depression and I still have a couple months before I won’t fully experience the withdrawals from not being on antidepressants but I am finding peace that I have been missing in my life and it’s a beautiful thing.