It’s Okay To Not Be Okay

Depression puts you on such an emotional rollercoaster that most days I find myself wanting to jump out of the cart even when the cart is at the top of the coaster. Throw in the fact that my body is adjusting to no antidepressants and I’m on the worst rollercoaster ride of my life. I’m starting to experience more good days than bad days, but when I have bad days, man are they bad. The last couple days I want to curl up in a ball, in my bed and cry….and I can’t even tell you why.

It’s exhausting trying to put on a happy face, go into work and try to act like you have it all together when in reality, I’m just pushing myself to lunch time when I can go hide and cry in my car. Many times I am asked if I am okay and I always respond, “Yeah, I’m just tired.” Well you know what? I’m tired of pretending I am tired! Is it really that wrong to say I’m not okay? I think it surprises people at first but I got to the point, where I don’t care anymore. Twice yesterday, I was asked by co-workers if I was okay and I simply said, “No.” Honestly, it felt nice to be honest and admit I wasn’t okay. They didn’t pry, didn’t push, but simply offered to lend an open ear if I needed it. Although I declined, I felt relief to realize I don’t have to always be okay. I don’t always have to say I’m okay when I am not. It was like God was opening my eyes and ears and saying to me, “Hello! It’s okay that you don’t have to always be okay!”

I know God has been trying to let me know that it will be okay and that He is sitting right next to me in the cart of life, riding every hill, loop and twirl. Somedays I am too angry to enjoy His presence. I know He knows my anger and understands it because He made me the way that I am. I also know that He continues to provide for me, in the simplest of ways, even when I don’t deserve it. The simplicity of being provided for today was in the form of a sandwich. I didn’t bring a big enough lunch, was hungry but am trying to stay faithful and stick to the budget my husband and I have set up. Some people may see it as good timing, but I choose to believe that God was smiling and nudging me to let me know, Hey! I got your back in the small thing and big things of life.