Searching For Meaning

It has been 12 days that I have successfully been off of antidepressants and let me tell you, it sucks. Not the part of being off of medication, that part I am thankful for, but the symptoms and withdrawals I am dealing with are awful. I do need to put it out there that I have been weaning off of my medication under my doctor’s supervision. Antidepressants should never be stopped cold turkey and should be done under a doctor’s supervision, which I am doing.

The first full week of being completely weaned off of them have been great. I started to feel like my old self again and it’s been wonderful. The last 5 days have been hell. There have been moments where I want to crawl out of skin. The withdrawal symptoms are the worse and ask anyone who has personally been on antidepressants and weaned off of them and they will tell you how awful it is. I can’t speak for everyone who has dealt with depression or PPD, but for me personally, I find when I am fighting my depression at it’s worse, I evaluate my life and everything in it and around it. The last 5 days, that is all I have been doing. Evaluating my life and trying to find my meaning and purpose that God has for me because right now, I feel absolutely useless and worthless.

I remember as I approached adulthood, I thought I had everything figured out. I didn’t want to get married, didn’t want kids and was going to go to school to be a nurse. I wanted my own apartment, work as a nurse and live my life how I wanted. Me, myself and I. I will be the first one to tell you that even though I was always there for my friends and family, I was a very selfish person. I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it. That all changed when I became pregnant with Monkey. Everything I had planned for came to a screeching halt and I was stuck standing at a crossroad in my life. I boiled it down to 2 options, end my pregnancy and move on with my life and how I wanted it or for once, make a selfless decision and have this little person and re-reroute my plan. I will be 100% honest and say I was conflicted and I fought myself very hard on what decision I would make. There was the selfish part of me that wasn’t ready for a child and wanted to just do my own thing, and then there was the other part of me who knew that I was carrying a teeny, tiny little person who didn’t ask to come into this world, but is because of decisions I had made. Ultimately, I chose to continue with my pregnancy and in spring of 2007, I welcomed my little monkey man into the world.

So there I was, young, single and suddenly in charge of this little human. I had many moments of WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! But I knew, I made the right decision and God was in my corner. I changed my major from nursing to business and began a journey of a new life. After 3 1/2 years, I proudly walked across the college stage graduating with my business degree. I had a job in the finance industry and was taking care of Monkey and life seemed okay for once.  Fast forward 5 more years, I am happily married to an amazingly awesome man and we were blessed to have our daughter last year. I am still working in the finance industry and from the outside, I have it made.

But lately, I can never find contentment. I always want more. I keep telling myself, “If I could just do this, then…” or “If I just had this, then…” I’ve had many conversations with God, asking, praying, begging for Him to show me what my purpose in this life is. I am so happy and proud but also jealous of my husband who has heard God calling him into seminary and is diving right in. He knows what God is leading him to do and he’s doing it without hesitation. And then there’s me. I am in this mess of a fog in depression and can barely see what’s in front of me. I am struggling to know what it is that God wants with my life. I know there’s more to this life than what I have been dealing with. I know God has meaning and purpose for my life. I even know that my life is not my life. It is His and I know He wants to use me, but for what, I don’t know. And I wish with every fiber in my being that I knew what it was. Why He hasn’t shown me yet, I don’t know. Or maybe he has started to show me and I haven’t even seen it.

After being on antidepressants for 8 months and now being completely off of them for 12 days, I still know I have a long road a head of me. I could experience withdrawal symptoms up to several months after being off of them. I know God knows my struggles. I know He knows and feels my pain. I know I am not alone, even though I feel alone at times. I know He will lift me in His arms and carry me through this, I just need to learn how to let go and let God.